Daily Prompt: Unravel ( The rest of me 残りの私)

asylum2

My bones are brittle and I know they will break if I continue moving so carelessly. My heart is just as fragile; it will crack against my rib cage if I fall unwittingly. But what use are my bones and my heart when my mind has long been crushed along the walls of my skull; nothing but bloody pulp sloshing and splashing around. It’s funny how the world sees me as whole human being when, in reality, I am not even a quarter of the person I once thought I was.

I thought; but I never was and I never will be. I am just a mere anomaly, walking amongst the living when I should be with the dead.

My bones are brittle and my heart is just as fragile; yet I dance and love like they can withstand the strongest blows and highest falls. I want to hear the snap and crack of my bones as I pirouette. I want to see the bruising of my heart after I squeeze it betwixt my very own fingers. For there is peace in seeing my own person break down; if I am going to bleed, it will be at my own hands.

If I could, I would peel my skin off; slowly. Oh-so-torturously-slow. I would let my blood pool at my feet and let it stain. Then I would shred my raw muscles and leave them on the floor for the rodents to pick at. I would pull out my organs and throw them against the walls or out the windows for I no longer have any need of them.

I would leave my heart and my bones intact; with my mush of a brain, ebbing and flowing against the remainder of my sanity.

Just how brittle and fragile are my bones and my heart without the rest of me?

Unravel

Mondays, how much do I hate thee?

Hello WordPress.

Let me introduce myself.

My name is Rage Niikura and I am the bastard child of Tabulas and LiveJournal. It’s been years since I actually posted an honest-to-goodness blog and I am quite disappointed with myself for wasting valuable time. Time that should have been spent exercising my brain cells and letting the world know that a person like me actually exists. Diversity in the blogging community keeps it going, and I am saddened by the fact that commercialism has taken over that role. In hindisght, I was amazed at the different path that blogging has taken and how the on-line community let itself be led towards it. Perhaps, I am no longer aware of the goings-on in the blogging community and I should stop criticizing it without even knowing what has happened in the last 5 or so years.

Anyway, I am appalled that my writing skills aren’t what they used to be; not that I was a blogger of noteworthy proportions. Atleast before, I used to be able to type and think like it was second nature to me. Now, I have to think, delete, type, delete, think, and sometimes, completely give up on a sentence. Any sense of technical-know-how is obviously missing and very indicative of the ‘wrong turn’ my ‘so-called writing skills’ had taken. My thoughts are all over the place and quite frankly, I am embarrased that my first WordPress post is at a dismal level. Lack of practice has obviously taken it’s toll on my mind and the only thing I am capable of, as far as writing is concerned, is composing bland and tasteless business e-mails; packed full of unnecessary niceties that I and my other co-workers can go without.

Boring Monday. I have taken my lunch and is currently locked up in the master bedroom because the heat is unbearable. Just in case you’re wondering, I live in the Philippines; where the sun is always two blocks away from you. I set the air conditioner at 16 degrees, grabbed my laptop, and started browsing through digitized bullcrap. I plan to go to work earlier than usual, maybe around 8PM or 7PM, because I have a lot of pending workload to finish. Before preparing for another day(night) of bureaucracy, I decided to heal a portion of myself by doing what I used to do best. Blogging.

Blogging has been a source of comfort when I was still in College, toiling away in the Universitie’s publication office or cramming a multitude of information into my head in the library. It has always been an outlet for my rants and my raves; and of my perverse, literary mind. I don’t think people believe me when I say that I’m a writer. Self-proclaimed, yes; but a writer nonetheless. Blogging has introduced me to a whole, new world; filled with communities that cater to my wants and my needs. The long hiatus from this world turned me into who I am today; a bitter, hopeless, jaded, and coffee-reliant loser.

Why did I fall into stereotype? I mean, really? Why me of all people?

I am exactly who I didn’t want to be. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Of course, I am not saying that blogging was my only Life, and I don’t intend or plan for it to be. What I am saying is that this activity was a big part of who I was; and when I started working, I slowly but surely let it slip away. I was the one who lost a part of myself; not my work, not my boss, not my co-workers. Me. So today, April 16, 2012, I decided to start looking for that missing part. I will try my best to be who I was, then work my way towards the person I’ve always wanted to be.

If you ask me right now who I want to be, I won’t be able to provide you a concrete answer. I do know who I don’t want to be and I have already let that person materialize right in front of my eyes. In a couple of hours, I have to get ready to face the sad reality that I have created for myself. At the very least, I can give myself a pat on the back for trying something that has scared me for years.

WordPress, I trust myself with you.

-FIN-